Aftershock

So my mum just told me "gatek el 2araf" because I refused to see a suitor who lives in UAE. I haven't tried living outside Egypt - but I can't imagine it. I can imagine staying for a few months, bearing disconnection from family, friends and familiar faces, only for a limited while. I am not one to think there is absoultely no hope in this country and that we should leave on the first one-way plane. Of course this may not be the only reason why millions of Egyptians have immigrated in the last fourty years. But many of my male friends have thought about it practically, and found out that by no means can they afford buying an apartment, a shabka (obligatory gold or diamond gift), bedrooms, living rooms etc when they earn say 200$ a month. I can't blame them and no one can, the air in Egypt smells of frustration.
Meanwhile, I am also thinking as unpractically as possible, and I believe that there is no way I can know a person well enough to get married to him through chatting or Facebook. And marriage is not a decision I am planning to be stupid about...it makes you or breaks you. The pressure from mum and dad has been on me ever since I graduated, and I know it will get more unbearble by the day. I am not going to tell mum I'm upset because first she knows it, and second I don't know if I'll be able to contain my anger. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle the pressure in the coming years and at the same time strive to keep my sanity. Doesn't she realise that in this way she could one day push me to make a wrong decision? She prays to God and kneels to him tens of times a day, but still believes that I control who I am going to marry me, and specifically told me not to ruin my own destiny. I am not saying I have picked up proper matches in my life, but I am saying, please, don't make me feel like shit.

I hate seeing suitors with my sister because...

she interferes with what I wear although I specifically told her not to.
she rebukes me coz I can't find my lenses.
she suggests I wash the lenses with eye drops instead of the solution I ran out of.
she tells me to wear the lenses anyway though they hurt my eye and are unclean.
she yells at me for having to wear my eyeglasses instead.
she wouldn't tell me what the hell is wrong or unchic about wearing eyeglasses.
she asks me why the hell I am wearing the red pullover.
she tells me the pullover is old though I make it clear I only got it last year.
she asks me why I haven't worn the grey coat instead.
I feel sorry for myself when I realise that she is far less critical than my mother...

Homebound

I have always been what you can call close to my big sister. We would share everything from the same fashion sense to tears at the death of a family member. She is the typical eldest sister/child; an A student, aspiring, eloquent, self-confident, domineering and mother-like. I dreaded how everything was about to change when she got married a year and a half ago. I was scared that we would not be as close friends anymore. But ever since she travelled, there has been a strange turn of events.
During the year she travelled with her husband to Wahhabism-infested Saudi Arabia and much to my surprise, she started to change. It may as well have been her husband, but both of them were moderate. The first alarming sign was when I described the time-honoured Ahmad Zaky Badr as an animal, a totally acceptable and for that matter understandable swear word. I found an indignant message from her wondering what "people will say about me for saying that word." I assured her that not only does he deserve it, but also my FB privacy settings are edited and students cannot see my stata. She mentioned, to my amazement, that she does not want her "cute and sweet" to call anyone names. I responded rather harshly that I am neither sweet nor cute and do not want to be. Fe3lan ya3ny I do not want to be sweet. I want to be sour, harsh and bitter.
Another time we were marvelling at all the good times we will spend together when she comes in a matter of two weeks and we mentioned meeting some friends including a guy, when she mentioned something along the line of bringing my brother over as a "mahram." For the sake of my sanity, I didn't ask her to repeat what she said. I have another FB account for students, and I joked that it was my "secret account," and again she commented, though jokingly, that she is surprised that her young sister has lost her "innocence". I wonder what she will say if she knows that I have an atheist friend and that I have enjoyed watching Hentai images.
I do not want to fit in any mould anyone makes for me. I want to be spontaneous and independent, that is why I am expecting a clash of civilisations to occur during her short stay here...