Wednesday, June 28, 2006

!لو أنى فقط أتلاشى

I wouldn't live my life again if I could...only that I would love to study -again- the works from which I hand-picked these quotes!

"The world is sometimes just."
Maxine Hong Kingston,The Woman Warrior

".......:I only wanted to relieve my mind
By telling someone what I'd been concealing.
........:all you wanted was the luxury
Of an intimate disclosure to a stranger."
T.S.Eliot,
The Cocktail Party

"There's no memory you can wrap in camphor
But the moths will get in."
T.S.Eliot,The Cocktail Party

"What is hell?Hell is oneself,
Hell is alone,the other figures in it
Merely projections.There is nothing to escape from
And nothing to escape to.One is always alone."
T.S.Eliot,
The Cocktail Party

"It no longer seems worth while to speak to anyone!"
T.S.Eliot,The Cocktail Party

"Can we only love
Something created by our own imagination?
Are we all in fact unloving and unlovable?"
T.S.Eliot,
The Cocktail Party

"Disillusion can become itself an illusion
If we rest in it."
T.S.Eliot,The Cocktail Party

"Rose:What's it like out?
Mrs Sands:It's very dark out.
Mr Sands:No darker than in."
Harold Pinter,
The Room

"It is a thousand pities never to say what one feels."
Virginia Woolf,
Mrs Dalloway

"(He):No man sacrifices his honour even for one he loves.
(She):Millions of women have done so"(!!!)
Henrik Ibsen,A Doll's House

"Most of life is so dull that there is nothing to be said about it,and the books and talk that would describe it as interesting are obliged to exaggerate,in the hope of justifying their own existence."
E.M.Forster,
A Passage to India

"O untimely death,death."
William Shakespeare,
King Lear
By the way is death ever untimely?

"We are such stuff
As dreams are made on."
William Shakespeare,
The Tempest

"O,that this too too solid flesh would melt,
Thaw,and reslove itself into a dew,
Or that the Everlasting had not fixed
His canon 'gainst self-slaughter."
William Shakespeare,Hamlet
Everlasting:God
canon:law

"I wanted to find a hole in the ground and hide myself in it forever!"
Tennessee Williams
,The Glass Menagerie

"You can't eat the orange and throw the peel away - a man is not a piece of fruit!"
Arthur Miller,Death of a Salesman
ما معنى أن أستمر فى هذه الحياة الكذبة؟..من أكون..و لم لا أنزل الاّن فى جوف النهر.أرقب من قلب الماء بطون ذلك البجع الأبيض الرجراجة وأصلى أن يحملنى التيار بعيدا جدا,بعيدا عن البجع وعن البط و عن الأشجار والجبال وعن البشر -- بعيدا ألى فجوة مدفونة وسط الصخور أندس فيها و أنزوى ثم تغمرنى الطحالب والنباتات والقواقع و الأسماك وتخفينى إلى الأبد؟
لو أنى فقط أتلاشى
بهاء طاهر,الحب فى المنفى
"But man is not made for defeat....a man can be destroyed but not defeated."
Ernest Hemingway,The Old Man and the Sea

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Nobody is NOT perfect

My greatest sin,however,is that I always try to fish for the meanings behind the songs I listen to. I was listening to Bon Jovi's "Welcome to wherever you are" when I reached "remember that you're perfect,God makes no mistakes."
WHAAAATTTT!
I'm perfect? So what was all this talk about nobody being perfect...the same old cliche we repeat whenever we want to justify any stupid mistake we have done?
I mean,no one can deny that God makes no mistakes!
So what could Bon Jovi possibly mean? They didn't sound like they were simply writing an uplifting note.They sounded like they were joining a revolution of some kind.
If there was a sin called 'too much thinking',I'd probably excel in it.
What do they mean?
Ok.I give up.But at least I'll tell you how I see it.
Every one of us can find a way to be perfect.If you give people all the love you have,you're perfect. If you stretch yourself to the limit and push yourself further and further to achieve what you want,you're perfect. If someone considers you their best friend...you are perfect!
Find your own way to break the cliche...!

Saturday, June 10, 2006

My deadly sin: Wrath!

Greed:Medium
Gluttony:Low
Wrath:High
Sloth:Medium
Envy:Very Low
Lust:Medium
Pride:Medium

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

I knew it!

You Are Amy Lee!
Gothy, expressive, woman-in-painWho looks damn good in a corset"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tearsWhen you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears"

Monday, May 15, 2006

Promise me!

Now I know why this song is my absolute favourite.It's not because of my childhood memories that have been pent up within its melodies....not because of the deep,thirsty voice of David Gilmour,the sound of the bells that move my soul or the mystrious lyrics(for I love mysteries).
Oh....you voice that are so dear!! Sing to me...
"Beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles
Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
The ringing of the division bell had begun
Along the Long Road and on down the Causeway
Do they still meet there by the Cut?
There was a ragged band that followed in our footsteps
Running before time took our dreams away
Leaving the myriad small creatures trying to tie us to the ground
To a life consumed by slow decay
The grass was greener
The light was brighter
With friends surrounded
The nights of wonder
Looking beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us
To a glimpse of how green it was on the other side
Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide
At a higher altitude with flag unfurled
We reached the dizzy heights of that dreamed of world
Encumbered forever by desire and ambition
There's a hunger still unsatisfied
Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon
Though down this road we've been so many times
The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river
Forever and ever"
This is always the way I feel when I have to leave people I love,when my life rapidly changes by the change of faces and places...it's like you have left a little bit of your heart with each and every one you love and then you go home not finding enough strength to go on....!!
But forgive me,Gilmour,for I'll fight the force of the inner tide that sleepwalks me away from my friends and colleagues.Even if this world is consumed by slow decay,I prefer it than a world where I can't see those lovely faces ever more!The faces that made my grass greener and the light brighter in my eyes,in my life....
يا أصحابى وزمايلى و حبايبى,
حاسة إن حياتى حيبقى مالهاش معنى من غير ما أشوفكوا كل يوم زى ما إتعودت بقى لى أربع سنين...يا لو الزمن يرجع تانى و آخدكم بالحضن و أقضى معاكوا كل الوقت اللى عايزاه!أنا قضيت معاكوا أجمل سنين عمرى,بس صداقتنا و حبنا لبعض مش حيضيع بمرور الوقت...وعدتكم فاوعدونى!

Saturday, May 13, 2006

No page with this title exists

"و على الأرض كانت الجثث و الأشلاء فى كل مكان,و بالذات حول المخابىء.سأشرح لك شيئا عن هذه المخابىء.كانت حفرا فى الأرض مغطاة و مبطنة بالأسمنت,و كانت تصلح الى حد ما ضد الغارات الجوية,لأنه ما لم تخترق القنبلة السقف مباشرة فان المخبأ يحمى من الشظايا,و لكن مع المدفعية الثقيلة التى كانت تدك البيوت و الأرض تحولت معظم هذه المخابىء الى مقابر لمن لجأوا اليها,و كانوا يتكدسون بالعشرات أطفالا و رجالا و نساء فى هذه المخابىء,رأيت واحدا منها و كان قد تحول الى بحيرة صغيرة تطفو فوقها رءوس و سيقان و أذرع و أستطعت أن أحصى من الجثث الطافية..."
دى شهادة حقيقية رواها بهاء طاهر فى روايته "الحب فى المنفى" عن المجزرة اللى حصلت يوم 16/5 /1983في مخيم عين الحلوة للاجئين الفلسطينيين...طبعا مفيش داعى أقول إن كالعادة الضحايا كانوا إحنا و"كالعادة" المجرمين كانوا إسرائيليين. حسيت بالغضب و القرف و الذل و المهانة لما قريت السطور دى فحسيت إن ابسط حق للابطال دول عليا إنى أعرف الظروف اللى ماتوا فيها...دخلت على ويكيبيديا أحاول ألاقى أى معلومات عن المدبحة...مفيش! طب أكتب "Ein ElHelwa","Ain AlHelwa","Ain Al-Helwa" أى هباب أزرق...مفيش! يا سلامNo page with this title exists"
و الله ما أنا عارفة ايه هى بالظبط اللى مش موجودة...المعلومات...و اللا البنى آدمين اللى عندهم شوية إحساس....الناس يموتوا بالمئات...بالآلاف..يموتوا خايفين..جعانين...عيانين...كلها كام سنة و ينساهم الضمير الميت.كلها كام سنة و يتحولوا لمجرد أرقام فى لستة عريضة...كلها كام سنة و تفتكرهم بالصدفة واحدة زيى و تكتب عليهم كام سطر...الفكرة إن أنا كنت عايزة أكتب عنهم من ساعت ما قريت الرواية بس كنت مشغولة بفستان حفلة التخرج...بالمناسبة,تفتكروا أعمله أحمر وللا دهبى...طب أدخل فيه لونين و اللا أخليه سادة؟طب و حاجيب فلوس الصندل منبن؟ مش عارفة أصلى محتارة أوى...المهم إنى أكتشفت فجأة إن خلاص ذكرى المذبحة بعد تلات أيام...قلت ما بدهاش بقى...أكتب عنها يمكن اللي يقرا الكلام ده يفتكر اللى حصل من 23 سنة و يعيط و اللا حاجة...

Monday, May 08, 2006

The Self-Torturer

"Irritable bowel syndrome,right?" She asked with a stupid smile on her face.
"Yes." He answered with a more ridiculous smile.
A gush of hot blood rushes to her face as she pics up her bag and the bitter residue of a once healthy and strong little girl.She tries to hold herself together and face the eyes that meet her but it gradually becomes too hard with the tightening in her throat and the tears that have sprung in her eyes despite of her.Tears that have jumped to her eyes,slided over her lower eyelid and drew a couple of glistening lines on her face,brushing out her despair.Tears,tears: do I fight them...do I hold them back?
And so I took my way home,dying for some rest,someone to care,and I try to hush her,I try to stop her but she would just seize my eyes and maim my heart and ruin me all over.
Syndrome-hospital-pills,pills,pills,tons of poisonous pills,forever-forever! in hospital all your life-no-think you are weak-weak-weak-check into hospital every weekend-weak-bowel-nervous-those nauseous yet fulfilling pitiful eyes-colon-irritable-irritated-be strong-forver weak weak weak
She is not ashamed anymore of others seeing her cry.She crosses under a shaking fly-over.
I pass by my favourite collection of flowers,their amazing colours still glowing in the dark-fuscia,
royal purple,charming wisteria,with their sweet smell actuallytaking over me and filling up my hungry soul inch by inch...
She finally reaches her house....heads slowly to her room and shuts the door.
Silence reigns
.......................
You have done this to yourself.You have brought it all on your sick head.You have burdened yourself with the miseries you have invented and now they have appeared from thin ice to haunt you all over.You are disgusting.Look what you have done to yourself.And all of this for what?For that pigsty of a world?Becoming angry,then mad,then fuming,pretending to be too kind to hurt others so you dry yourself up instead.Look at you sucking your own blood you fool.
Drip....drip...drip.
She pours tons of blood into her hungry mouth and it does not make her sick,does not quench her thirst.She watches her skin as it slowly sinks between her bones...and the blue helpless veins trying to find a place to survive,but they are squeezed gradually between her blue skin and white bones...that they get too thin,too leafy themselves to stand thier own grounds.
I am going to be patient,not a patient.I won't let an illness beat me.I know it is much easier to express negative emotions...but I am just grateful for everything You have chosen for me.If everyday provides its own gifts,my illness is a gift I will make the best use of.I will not break down or step back.You must ride over misfortunes,not lower down your throat to be slit open...
"Open the door!"
But they cannot hear her in their ivory worlds...she closes her ivory door upon her forever waiting,waiting for it to lie down with all his weight on her frail chest and grab her soul right out of her nose with his strong grip.
waiting....
"Open the door!"
ha-ha-eh-ah-ah-eh-ah-ah-he-ah she gapes as she brings out her last breaths...but they cannot see her through her ivory door,tearing out her own dry skin with her protruding teeth..they cannot see her munching her flesh...enjoying the bitter taste,tearing out her colon,"Now,you will never get the better of me!"
"Open the door!"
How I love the touch of warm water as I splash it on my face,how it freshens me up and brings me to life...how it makes me see everything clearly,eases my pain as it gently strokes my cheeks..I will live with it.I will stand my ground.
And finally the huge,ivory door is pulled down...and now all the miseries,all the depression,all the grief 'one life contains' are brought out to the open.
Too late!
But nothing has changed.They turn away from the stale,stinking air she has left...They don't realise it is her at first-again.All they see is a pile of bones...with swarms of flies buzzing all around them...and the fat white worms eating slowly into her brain.
"Shut the door!"
I turn away from her as I wonder if she had any chance of escape..and I draw out a sigh of relief,reaching the conclusion that has for so long pervaded my mind...

Monday, May 01, 2006

By Midnight

I saw Sarah today...
Yeah she is real.
She came around and smiled faintly as I jumped off my seat and wrung my arms around her tiny waist...for she is my strength and she is my weakness...she is my illness and she is my misery...she is all that I am.
As she stood before me,her defiant eyes focussed sharply on mine...she did not tremble,she did not cry,she did not fall apart,but I did.
"How are you doing my dear?" I murmered.
What a fake question! What an utterly fake world we're living in! Where has your piercing imagination gone now,Noha? Where has the pen gone? The pen that would-
God,take my soul by midnight!
Here she was,standing before me,full of life,full of hope,whereas my eyes were wandering everywhere ...my mouth was half uttering half broken sentences..."I hope you are better now"
"he'll get the punishment he deserves" "the most important thing is that you're ok now"
"I'm sure you have become stronger"...........
Utter cliches!
Where is your powerful pen and passionate short story now? Where is your skill at making words? Where have your mighty words gone when your protagonist stands all flesh and blood in your reach?
Why are you now shocked,broken,trembling?
Have you made a protagonist that is more of a heroine,more of an artist than you are?
Sarah vanishes...and all I am left with is a fancy of her red shirt still leaning on the wall.
And now all the tears and all the screams are suffocating in my throat waiting to be released..forever.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

حنظلة اسمى

حنظلة اسمى
حنظلة اسمى
فلسطين وطنى
ولدت فى الخامس من حزيران 1967
و لكن لا يزال عمرى عشر سنوات!
مرت على سنوات طويلة من القهر والحنق و الذل...
ولا يزال عمرى عشر سنوات...
اشتعل الرأس شيبا ثم تساقط شعرى...
شعرة...
شعرة...
و لا يزال عمرى عشر سنوات!
تجعد وجهى و ضاقت عينى...
و هرم القلب و وهن الجسد...
أمسكت بالحجارة أشق بها صدر العدو
أمسكت بالقلم...أكتب ما يجيش به صدرى..
و روت دموعى الحارة أرض الغربة الباردة
و أنبتت نبتة جافة...
و ترعرت وأصبحت شجرة حنظل
آكل منها فتتجرح لسانى و يتمزق حلقى...
وأتجرع كئوس دمائى المرّة...
مرت على السنوات...
ولا يزال القلب شاردا فى بلاد الغربة...
يصبو لجبل النار...
يصبو لأشجار الزيتون...
يصبو لحجارة أخرى أهشم بها رأس العدو
مرت على السنون و ما عدت أشكو همى لأحد كان...
ضاع الوطن و غاب الأهل...
و غابت الشمس وراء ضباب بلاد الغربة
أعيدونى إلى وطنى...الآن
أعينونى على أن أمسك بالحجارة...
أقذف بها على العدو...
.....................
فتخترق ذخائرهم جسدى النحيل...
فتتفجر ترسانتهم العتيدة فى عنقى...
فتتحطم...
فأختنق...
فأحيا...
و لكنكم انصرفتوا عنى إلى أموالكم...
انصرفتم عنى إلى تفاهاتكم...
تركتونى أتجرع الحنظل فى بلاد الغربة...
فأدرت لكم ظهرى إلى أبد الدهر!
لبستم أفخم الثياب
و تناسيتم قدماى الحافيتين
و ملابسى الرثة...
فأدرت لكم ظهرى إلى أبد...أبد الدهر!
و لكنى لا زلت أحلم كل ليلة...
بالحور العين و الثياب الخضراء...
بما لا عين رأت و لا أذن سمعت...
بالعيون النضاخة و الأنهار المتدفقة...
بصحبة العينان السوداوان...
العينان الحبيبتان...
الشريفتان...
فى حياة لا موت فيها و لا مرض...
لا يأس فيها و لا حزن...
لا بؤس فيها و لا شقاء...
و أتنبه.......
لأجد وسادة مبتلة...
و ليل طويل قد تشققت عنه السماء المظلمة...
و تبددت فيه السحب المتناثرة....

"ولدى حنظلة,
لقد كنت أنت الأيقونة التي تحفظ روحى من الانزلاق... نقطة العرق التي تلسع جبينى اذا ما جبنت أو تراجعت ...ولدت فى العاشرة في عمرك وستظل دائما في العاشرة من عمرك، ففي تلك السن غادرت فلسطين وحين تعود الى فلسطين ستكون بعد في العاشرة ثم تبدأ في الكبر ، فقوانين الطبيعة لا تنطبق عليك لأنك استثناء ، كما هو فقدان الوطن استثناء.
حبيبى حنظلة....لن تفنى بالرغم من فنائى...بل سأحيا بروحك...حبيبى...."
ناجى العلي

و يبقى الشعر....
"خسرت حلما جميلا.... خسرت لسع الزنابق
و كان ليلى طويلا.... على سياج الحدائق
و ما خسرت السبيلا...و ما خسرت السبيلا...
السبيلا...."
محمود درويش

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Obsession

I'm standing in a crowd...
people giggling...some frowning...others shattering...
the misfits!
Then I smell a familiar perfume...
and my imagination sways far away from this life...
could it be you again...?
can I resist the temptation this time...?
Cuddling me...inviting me...seducing me...raping me...
can I resist your temptation this time?
And you lead me to your world though I know I'll be locked in forever...
there's no turning back now!
Soon enough...your black...black eyes....appear at a distance...
NO!
Please don't pull me back to this torture again...
but then I grap you by my very own will...
my fingers scratching your hard skin...
I grab you by the neck and pull you to my lips...
and you welcome me with your bitter taste...and your hot,black saliva...
as you touch my lips...you're too hot but it only makes me more helpless...
you cross your tongue across my lips ...scratching me..hurting me...bleeding me...
but it's ok....
you reach my tongue and a shrill goes down my body
You reach my throat and I start to choke...
and I'm still grabbing you closer....!
Are you my sin or my salvation?
Are you a saviour or a poison?
I thought you wanted platonic love!
But how can I resist your temptation...
You lean down on me and I hold you till we can't be any closer...
I take more of you....you take all of me...
I've dried up your mouth...but still I'm thirsty for more...
and as the last drop is twisted between our tongues...
I step back to look at you...
You can stand there and wonder at my desire....
what do you even know of my desire?
your black eyes fading....your perfume still intoxicating me....
you turn away to be filled again...
with hot...bitter...black...black coffee.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Perverseness
Why are you all staring at me?
What do you see?
Do you see a beautiful young lady....a calm face...an inviting smile?
A pair of tired eyes?
A broken heart?
......................
Now,where is everyone?
Where have you gone when my eyes just won't dry up?
Where are you when I hold the knife and have violent tendencies?
When I bite my tongue till it drips with blood?
But I still haven't figured out what to do with my skin...
Perhaps I'll start with my wrist...
I'll cut it in two...don't worry,I love the sight of blood
black blood flowing from two intertwined veins..
drip...drip...drip...
Or perhaps I'll go head down from our balkony...
and reach the ground with a thud and a broken neck...
Are you all having a nice time?
Are you riding your fancy cars?
Are you eating a bunch of mouth-watering grapes?
Have you heard a skull being smashed against a wall?
Guess what.....it's mine! Surprise!
"I'll say goodbye to all my troubles"
Or...I'll stand by the road...trembling and relieved
I'll wait for this or that car...I'll jump
I'll be saved.
But you know what's the best way...seriously?
I'll carry on living.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Vengeance

"God,when am I ever going to die!"
Tears streaming down her face,blood gushing from her vagina,she picks up her torn clothes and tries to go home.
Her knees are trembling,barely able to hold her sorrow...the world is spinning..the world must be going crazy.
"If you tell anyone,I won't even kill you...I'll kill your own mother and father.You wanted it to happen to you anyway..umm...I can even feel you having it..."
"Help!Somebody help me!Somebody!Please have mercy!'
"Huh,have you heard that?"
.........HELP!.........
"...whatever can we do to her anyway?Let's go!"
She drops down in a swoon..a thin line of the sky comes closing down upon her...can't breathe...can't see...
"Leave me alone! I want to die!I have to die!"
Hours pass..one.two..three...
"Honey,what's the matter?"
Silence...
"I'm still waiting for the tea!!"
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
What if God had not created tears?
How could she have survived that night?
She recoils to a dark corner in her dark room..."should I tell them?"
A pair of glaring blue eyes is staring at her from among the sheets of her bed...
"If you tell anyone..."
Like a compressed something that has suddenly been released...she sobs...grinds her teeth and pulls off her hair...
The wedding ring...the dark,mysterious man who would come to her from among the mist taking her hand..the white dress...the smile of her child..."all done!all gone!"
The phone rings...how long have I been here...and how long has my mother been knocking at the door?
The deep...comforting voice of her best friend streams on from the wires...oh...if her voice could be the music of my ears till the day I die!
"My dear...u don't sound ok to me...what happened?"
Silence...
"If you tell anyone..."
....months pas....
"Sarah! I believe in you.It wasn't your fault.If I could lay hands on him-"
Drip...drip...drip...
"My dear,don't keep the hurt.If you tell me how you feel...you'll divide your burden in half...a half is so much easier to bear..."
"......"
"Sarah!Wake up!It's already 7:00 pm."
"God!Don't tell me it was just a dream!He seemed so real-" she touches her delicate fingers..."that I can stiil feel his touch...his grasp...his heat...his pulse...
"Let me stay..where the wind will whisper to me...where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story..."
Sarah...how are you doing now? asks Deep Voice.
"Getting on...I thought about what you told me..I'll talk..I'll talk..."
Years pass...
"Dear Diary,
I can't help wondering if he's still alive...
If so...I don't wish to see him in jail...
I don't wish to see his decaying remains...I only want him to see how I've become..."

Friday, March 31, 2006

Hey everyone.....everywhere...I'm a new blogger on the block :)
I'm.......
you'll know as days go by.