Monday, May 08, 2006

The Self-Torturer

"Irritable bowel syndrome,right?" She asked with a stupid smile on her face.
"Yes." He answered with a more ridiculous smile.
A gush of hot blood rushes to her face as she pics up her bag and the bitter residue of a once healthy and strong little girl.She tries to hold herself together and face the eyes that meet her but it gradually becomes too hard with the tightening in her throat and the tears that have sprung in her eyes despite of her.Tears that have jumped to her eyes,slided over her lower eyelid and drew a couple of glistening lines on her face,brushing out her despair.Tears,tears: do I fight I hold them back?
And so I took my way home,dying for some rest,someone to care,and I try to hush her,I try to stop her but she would just seize my eyes and maim my heart and ruin me all over.
Syndrome-hospital-pills,pills,pills,tons of poisonous pills,forever-forever! in hospital all your life-no-think you are weak-weak-weak-check into hospital every weekend-weak-bowel-nervous-those nauseous yet fulfilling pitiful eyes-colon-irritable-irritated-be strong-forver weak weak weak
She is not ashamed anymore of others seeing her cry.She crosses under a shaking fly-over.
I pass by my favourite collection of flowers,their amazing colours still glowing in the dark-fuscia,
royal purple,charming wisteria,with their sweet smell actuallytaking over me and filling up my hungry soul inch by inch...
She finally reaches her house....heads slowly to her room and shuts the door.
Silence reigns
You have done this to yourself.You have brought it all on your sick head.You have burdened yourself with the miseries you have invented and now they have appeared from thin ice to haunt you all over.You are disgusting.Look what you have done to yourself.And all of this for what?For that pigsty of a world?Becoming angry,then mad,then fuming,pretending to be too kind to hurt others so you dry yourself up instead.Look at you sucking your own blood you fool.
She pours tons of blood into her hungry mouth and it does not make her sick,does not quench her thirst.She watches her skin as it slowly sinks between her bones...and the blue helpless veins trying to find a place to survive,but they are squeezed gradually between her blue skin and white bones...that they get too thin,too leafy themselves to stand thier own grounds.
I am going to be patient,not a patient.I won't let an illness beat me.I know it is much easier to express negative emotions...but I am just grateful for everything You have chosen for me.If everyday provides its own gifts,my illness is a gift I will make the best use of.I will not break down or step back.You must ride over misfortunes,not lower down your throat to be slit open...
"Open the door!"
But they cannot hear her in their ivory worlds...she closes her ivory door upon her forever waiting,waiting for it to lie down with all his weight on her frail chest and grab her soul right out of her nose with his strong grip.
"Open the door!"
ha-ha-eh-ah-ah-eh-ah-ah-he-ah she gapes as she brings out her last breaths...but they cannot see her through her ivory door,tearing out her own dry skin with her protruding teeth..they cannot see her munching her flesh...enjoying the bitter taste,tearing out her colon,"Now,you will never get the better of me!"
"Open the door!"
How I love the touch of warm water as I splash it on my face,how it freshens me up and brings me to it makes me see everything clearly,eases my pain as it gently strokes my cheeks..I will live with it.I will stand my ground.
And finally the huge,ivory door is pulled down...and now all the miseries,all the depression,all the grief 'one life contains' are brought out to the open.
Too late!
But nothing has changed.They turn away from the stale,stinking air she has left...They don't realise it is her at first-again.All they see is a pile of bones...with swarms of flies buzzing all around them...and the fat white worms eating slowly into her brain.
"Shut the door!"
I turn away from her as I wonder if she had any chance of escape..and I draw out a sigh of relief,reaching the conclusion that has for so long pervaded my mind...

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