I have been attacked by a mood that has for so long thankfully abandonned me. Generally speaking I am not a people person, and I shy away from people I don't know and always, always feel tense in public. A bit of paranoia added can complete the picture too.
I have struggled throughout my teenage years with loneliness. I would go to school filled up with a hope in a new day only to feel rejected and unwelcome. I made a group of friends during "high school" and at college I made yet another one and we're still like really thick, so feelings of loneliness now baffle me.
I usually have an insatiable appetite for new, interesting people, especially males, which is normal. However, I just feel unloved. I have this particular foreign friend and whereas I am not in, and should not, be in love with him, it just exasperates me feeling he is not as interested in me as I in him. I am used to a certain kind of attention. I just know that men are hopeless in tiny details and sweet gestures, but these would make me feel better. Again why I am expecting him to give me this kind of attention, I don't know.
Another problem is, I literally drool over every single interesting guy I meet. Just please drop me a comment and tell me this is normal. I have like, instant crushes with maybe ten people at the same time. The moment I see or meet anyone new I get all heated up and keep imagining how our "relationship" would go. I know this is typical loneliness. But I also know that even if I fall in love, I am not going to fall in love with a perfect man, and that any detail about other men will keep intriguing me. I might as well make a very bad wife.
I do have a hundred things to do to keep my mind away from all of this. Desperately searching for people I have met on FB or even in blogs won't work. I am aware that someone out there is probably searching for me as well, but until our wires meet, I will have to endure this.