Saturday, November 25, 2006

My experience in the world of stalkers

Words might not punish those who did me wrong, but I will talk.
Words might reopen wounds and memories I'm trying to hide in the back of my mind, but I have to talk.
I will talk so I wouldn't feel lonely. I will talk coz I don't want to bear this burden alone. I will talk to put the illness on display, maybe we can find a cure for it...
But where do I begin? Shall I begin at the point when i was 10? When I was ten, my mother sent me to buy some stuff from a backstreet, imagine me: a thin, little, innocent ten-year-old, wearing a plain dress, facing the ground as she walks. Suddenly she finds a fat, dark man wearing a really thick pair of eyeglasses, looking at her domineeringly, and she was naive; for she obeyed him when he told her: come knock with me to that building, my little nephews live in that flat and I want to surprise them...knock at their door for me. As we were going up the stairs, he molested me. He touched my breasts and butt that were not even full yet. I felt there was something wrong but I couldn't express it. I had just started my period, so I had a background about my sexual life. Still, I could interpret or understand what he wa doing. I apologised for not knocking at the door and went home, astonished.
I did not cry. I did not cry and I did not tell anyone. You are the first to know after eleven years. I swallowed the filth and hushed up. And this filth lasted for ten more years. For ten years, I've been molested, and I freaked out and didn't know what to do. Once in broad daylight with people around, another in the bus, if I'm caught up in any crowd, I find someone harrassing me like pigs. No. Pigs feel.
And so I grew up. Prematurely, yes, but I grew up and I knew the meaning of 'sexual harrasssment' and I understood what they meant by " you're so small!" Then came last year's incident.
I was twenty, and I had worn the veil, and the harrassments became fewer. I was walking in our nighbourhood (we moved out) at almost 9 pm one summer evening...the street was quiet. I found someone dressed in black runnign in the opposite direction. I doubted him. However, some people had just passed us by and the Military Police nutheads were only 2o metres away, so I thought like...he can never do anything. Of course, he pinched me and continued running. At first I yelled back. Seconds later, I ran to the nearest military policeman and told him what happened. I pulled his arm, cried and asked him to come catch him with me. And what was his response? "And what were you doing?" I stared ... then screamed at him and ran to another soldierwho happened to be walking with two others. We were on foot and my stalker was running and got far away. I gave up moments later.
I swear to you that I felt his hand was still holding me for a long time later. For the first time, I exploded; I told my mother, my friends who helped me be back on my feet once more. It was the worst experience because I was an adult then and I knew what had happened to me. I thought about killing myself and throwing away the years of my life in a moment of weakness, but I was afraid of God's torture.
Now, I walk in the street very causciously. Whenever I pass someone by, I'm very alert to all of his movements, to the extent that my friends call me a psycho. And I say, being a psycho is better than being humiliated as i become every time I walk down the street. It's tiresome but effective; to take good care of yourself, I mean from the guys around you!
As for the future, it may be better, and most probably it'll be worse, but I've only got a couple of things to say: The street is ours, and if you molest me, I'll cut your balls!

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

My dear lady,
I can imiagne that you stil thinking that this fucking stuped hand is stil holding you. That monster who has done it to you had he ever thought about his dughter? i can not understand such a people, they are ill, Keep talking it is a way tp express your feelings about what had happend and it helps you to live with that trouble experince.

Sherif Holland

ToOoTa said...

hun' this happened to me BEFORE i got veiled,and after he did this i yelled at him and he was like smiling at me this dork head and saying how cute i was!I mean wat the...hell with u and all the ppl who do this.seriously,I asked my bro a couple of weeks ago to buy me a self-defence in case of any such thing happened again.And sherif, yes these ppl are sick and consequently they don't think of any woman he got in his family whether she's him mom, sis' or whomsoever ,at that moment he only thinks of wat he needs to do to please gimself not mattering the poor girls feeling or reaction..HE DOESN'T CARE!!! Keep publishing ya noha

Anonymous said...

Yes Keep publishing Noha, by the way Noha where are i do not hear anything from you. Noha do know the site of Bent Saad vern nice try to visite it once.

Sherif

Anonymous said...

actually i dont know what to tell u i know it a harsh experience but i know that it may leave hatred to all men but thank go u didnt.i think those boys dont think about thier sisters when they do such thing coz if they have done so for just one time they wouldnt have dont things like this. i hope u will go on with ur life and may god protect u . eman

Anonymous said...

It's very sad, Noah. You're a brave girl. This is a problem we confront in many places where women are trated like intruments and have few rights. I'm arab like you but live in the States. Good luck and God bless you.
Fareed

Wild at Heart said...

DEAR ALL,
Thank you for your kind words, I'm very much over the hurt now that I've talked...and now that some time have passed.

Sherif,
I'm around! Just super busy...

Tooota,
eb2y hateely self m3aky!

Eman,
Elly a3rafoh ya monmon en Rabena mabeysebsh 7a2 7ad w akeed 7ayet3mel keda f banat 3eltoh...thanx ya 7obby.

Fareed,
Just Thank You!

Anonymous said...

Oke Noha be strong en keep hard working but at the time do not forget yourself and try sometimes to be realaxed, when i come to egypt i shall let you know.. I was last time always very busy cause of teh electiont in Holland and the doktor was telling me to be relax because i have heigh blood pressure so take care of your health that is the most important thing.

Sherif

American Wife - Egyptian Husband said...

Dear sweet heart - it is so good you are talking about this! Not only so you feel better but because millions of women are suffering the same thing and it's important that they know they are not alone. Few have the courage or strength to talk about it. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this suffering, but I believe God has plans for us all. He obviously gave you a brilliant mind...if anyone can put into words their experience and feelings it is you. You are a master of words - and your soul is as deep as an ocean. He also gave you the courage to talk about it...and that is what the world needs.
I want to add one thought. Part of healing is forgiveness. I realize it is VERY hard to forgive one that has violated the most precious part of yourself, but we have to look at the world from many points of view. Why do you think they did this to you? Because of something YOU did? Because you are bad? Because you 'asked' for it? No dear soul, they did it because THEY are suffering greatly too. People who are suffering often find momentary relief by causing suffering to others. In a world and society that is out of control, they often find momentary relief by controlling others. Sadly, they can easily pick out the people who they will hurt the most. Why does this happen to you and not everyone else (although it does happen to countless many)? Because when they see you they see your sensitive soul and they realize just how deep they will cut you. As long as you so deeply fear/hate them they will be attracted to you. But it is not because you are 'asking' for it or doing something wrong- it is because your are good, sweet, innocent and hurting. It is evil, yes. It is. But the evilness is the suffering of these men who feel their lives are so out of control and miserable that they want to hurt another person so they don't feel quite so alone. Would a happy person do this to another? Would someone whose life is worth living do this to another? Would a good person do this to another? Surely their lives and their souls are someplace no one would ever want to be. But you know what? You can still rise above them, you have risen above them by taking the evil in your own life and sharing it with others who are suffering as well. You have been hurt, but believe it or not it will make YOU a better person - and they are still living their sorry lives and feeling constant pain and misery.
You are still so young and unable to process all of the things that have happened to you. But in my deepest heart I KNOW you will. You are a diamond in the dust - brilliant in the sun. God gave you an absolutely incredible mind and heart - he would never allow these things to touch his precious creation unless he had a 'perfect' plan for you. He does have a plan for you, of that there is no doubt.
From your posts I am absolutely amazed by your talent and rawness of your soul. It is so rare that I find anyone that comes close to my level of thinking (not to sound proud, I'm just being honest) - but YOU far SURPASS my level of thinking and talent. And part of the beauty of it is that you don't even realize it!!!! You really don't. I have read thousands of books and have studied art and music and theatre - and your mind is equal to many of the best.
Seeing that the Middle East produces fewer books than any other part of the world by far...I think it would be a great asset to the entire world, if not only the Middle East, if you plan a future in writing, in changing the world. You need some years in your pocket - you are not yet ripe and do not yet realize how rare you actually are and what exactly to do with yourself - but if you don't let these bastards who have hurt you DESTROY you, you will have the opportunity to destroy much evil in this world. I wish I could read arabic so that I could experience all you have to offer - but your english posts are simply exceptional.
If these things had never have happened to you, I can see you getting married and raising kids and letting all this talent go down the drain. You would simply have disappeared. Yes, there is nothing wrong with getting married and raising children, it is a tough job and a great asset to society. But God gave you a mind that requires MORE than that kind of life. If anything, feel sorry for the poor girls who this has happened to who DON'T have the brilliant mind and resources you have. What shall become of them and their suffering? Perhaps your destiny is to help them in their painful journey of life. And it will be a further crime to the world if you sit back, remain angry and let this eat you up until you become only a shell of what God intended you to be.
I am not worried about you, and I don't feel sorry for you. Your destiny is right in front of you and one of these days you will see it and you WILL change the world.
Much goodwill,
Kimberly