After the strength I felt and the happiness of the 'achievment'...I'm left with doubts that are just making me fade away. I feel so sick trying to remember where his hand reached? Was it my arm or armpit or or or? I'm not angry at myself this time for being silent cause I wasn't...I just feel sick to my stomach that I have to go through all of the doubts, sleepless nights, nightmares, paranoia, longing to shake myself to tears but stopping because it's not my fault ! Waiting for long months, years, lifetimes ahead to heal and just forgot about all that had happened! Again I still feel his hand on my body and I feel so worthless. I feel like "nothing can extinguish my anger." If I could just erase it all from my memory,but no matter how I try to push it to the back of my head it keeps coming back driving me crazy. I even hate the thought of being touched again by a future husband!
I can go about and smile pretending I can get through this but it's so hard to do it alone. If I talk to someone I'll burst into tears and I don't want to cry for a nothing. But I'm just wondering who's the nothing here...him or me.
n.b. This post refers to the 'sexual harrassment' incident in the post right before it.