Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Back to memories

After the strength I felt and the happiness of the 'achievment'...I'm left with doubts that are just making me fade away. I feel so sick trying to remember where his hand reached? Was it my arm or armpit or or or? I'm not angry at myself this time for being silent cause I wasn't...I just feel sick to my stomach that I have to go through all of the doubts, sleepless nights, nightmares, paranoia, longing to shake myself to tears but stopping because it's not my fault ! Waiting for long months, years, lifetimes ahead to heal and just forgot about all that had happened! Again I still feel his hand on my body and I feel so worthless. I feel like "nothing can extinguish my anger." If I could just erase it all from my memory,but no matter how I try to push it to the back of my head it keeps coming back driving me crazy. I even hate the thought of being touched again by a future husband!
I can go about and smile pretending I can get through this but it's so hard to do it alone. If I talk to someone I'll burst into tears and I don't want to cry for a nothing. But I'm just wondering who's the nothing here...him or me.

n.b. This post refers to the 'sexual harrassment' incident in the post right before it.

5 comments:

قطر الندى said...

Dear Noha,
Time,my friend, heals all wounds. You are worth the world,and he is the 7ashara.Don't feel bad, feel proud. and believe me the touch of a future husband,that u will love, will be 100% different.Be proud,love,be happy and be stronger,don't let such an incident ruin ur day or ur mood,and next time feel free to slap him or "tedeloh belgazma 3ala dema3'oh" it'll feel much better
:)

Anonymous said...

Dear Noha
I am agree with Kater El Nada time heals allw ounds. i can imaigne that you see i am friad to be touched by my future husband, but it is different you wil choose him by yourself he wil be a someone who you are in love with. It feels compeltly different. But i think it is veru important to learn to live with your experince of sexualharrasement and not push to the back of your head.Anyway Noha be strong and proud of your self, you were the vicitem and it was not your fault

Sherif

Triple H said...

i also agree with atr elnada

Wild at Heart said...

I feel much better already given your support, thank you. I've gotta practice what I preach, I've gotta learn to survive :)

Anonymous said...

HE Noha,

It is nice to read that you shall learn to survive i am sure you can cause of your endless and everlasting spirit and resist. You do that of course for yourself but at the same time for all people who love you, your lovely mother and father and lovely sisters and brother and of course your future husban who you wil be in love with, insha Allah. try to be on line once

Sherif