Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Written with blood and tears

Today I dreamt, as usual, that my mother passed away. You know those kinds of dreams that slap you in the face with your deepest fears and you keep fidgeting around in your sleep, suffocating and sweating...thinking it is the bitter truth...and you keep wondering what would you do for the rest of your life? And you link between dreams and reality in a very odd way that when you wake up you just take a second to realise it was all your unconscious mind hallucinating - if we consider hallucination to be blabbering the truth as a result of sickness,and give out a huge sigh of relief.
Apart from big-word talking, sometimes I feel I want to get away from me, from my life. I wake up in the morning, rush to work, "Work!Work!Work!/Till the sun shines through the roof!", come back, sometimes change my clothes, and sit infront of the pc...only to leave a couple of hours late from my me bedtime.
I don't talk. I don't listen. I don't laugh. I don't feel.
I just stare at that screen all night long.
I don't bother to ask how much of the furniture has my sister bought for her new home...her new 'marital nest' as we say in Egypt? When is she getting married? Is it next month? Did my brother pass his exams? Is my father at home so I can give him a hug?
And my mother. I feel like I was born, has grown, and will die with a person I know little about.
It is a crazy world where you live with a person and share your everything all day longwith her and just never feel the warmth because you're too busy checking your damn hotmail account. To think that a family member lived and died without you ever having a chance to tell him how much you love have a good conversation and just never let go of your thoughts without any restraints. You see a rehearsal of a scene from the future, your mother dying without knowing that she was your own flesh and blood, you cry a little, share a couple of sentences with her...then return to your exile,your island, your computer.
Ask me now what a human touch is and I doubt if I can explain or feel that. My skin has become too, too cold to feel anything except the dry mouse and the slipping keys on the keyboard. I just want so much to throw myself away in my mother's arms right now who is a few feet away before she becomes a grave away. A lifetime away. A world away.
And when she goes to heaven I doubt if I can follow. That means more and more distances apart. I'm just so filled with sin and filth and she's so pure for me to touch or even talk to. And when I remember all the times I've yelled at her or made her angry...I feel so helpless to say the least.
No, mother. I won't let you die without me telling you I cannot - I just cannot go on without you near me. Mother I know I'm selfish but I just never know how a mother's love is. And I know I will remember you looking through my children's eyes, and mourn!
And my cherished readers, I'm still sitting here writing those words for you to read...I keep imagining myself taking a few steps to the kitchen to enjoy my mother's warmth...I don't want to live and die not knowing what a mother's warmth is.
I don't want to spend my life silent and motionless here on that chair staring into nothingness, waiting for death to take any of us.
I will go now and take her into my arms without much explanation...I give her a hug which might fill me until the day I die..if that is ever possible
I will not love and feel and see and touch and talk to and listen and breathe the computer...I'm walking away. I'm breaking the habit tonight.


Wanderer said...

Dear Noha,
You can't accuse urself of being"FILLEd with sin and filth" cus u are far away from that.I know that we all have our mistakes and sins,but what most imp. is to be good&pure at heart.And u are.Go tell ur mammy or whoever else how much u love and care for him/her.Life is too short,yet we keep wasting many years only on planning to make our feelings revealed someday.As 4"ur skin that has become cold",it's absolutely not ur fault.It's"the jungle" or the so-called"the world" we live in.In order to survive,u've to be tough,and being tough means to lose the delicate things inside u.However I believe(and I think u'll second me in that)that few people can still survive preserving their innocence and even use it as a weapon in face of the"Filthy" world.

Wish u all the BEST, darling.

Wild at Heart said...

I totally agree here. You've got to lose your innocence...become a little bit of aggressive and fishy if you wanna go on !
Luckily, this is not difficult 80|

Anonymous said...

Dear Wanderer and Noha

I am agree with you we make all a mistakes, who does not make it? every humianbeing is makin a mistake, but it belongs to the humianbeing, it is a part of it. Noha we have talked about it yesterday and it is veryimportant to recognaize i have a good heart it evry important. Noha sorry that i left you yesterday without waiting until you come back, I had to go to a friend of mine see you later lady and have a nice day.


Rhea said...

People should read this.

Wild at Heart said...

Thank you Rhea for this push. This is what blogs are for, right?