In Dreams

Warning: Explicit content, will be shocking to some of you, so don't blame me for any nightmares :P
We've been taught at university that dreams are either a desire achieved or a sort of reflection of your subconscious - or was it unconscious? - with all that you're scared of, all that you're anticipating, and so on. Anyway, I still had loads of dreams which are real hard to classify under any such category. Sometimes my dreams get so shockingly violent, morbid and explicit that I can't help thinking that they surely they were baked by Mephestopheles in his hell-fire underworld,and not my deepest desires achieved! You keep trying to push undesirable memories to the back of your mind, but they just have to find a release, an explanation, some time to be thought of, to be remembered. They just don't go away. Never! Pushy and irritating as they are, they don't simply appear there infront of your eyes, where you can even smell and touch them, but they also come in the meanest form possible! As gory and DEMONIC as they possible can!
I usually have nightmares...yeah usually! Most nightmares are about dead people. Especially if I had just seen one of the many, many bodies and human debris in the news or in newspapers and magazines, or even silly horror movies. Once I'd be buried alive with the dead, with their bloody, fleshless hands sticking out of the death bags (the very same picture had been published in our local newspapers of the victims of the 2005 Indian ocean Tsunami). Another time there'd be a corpse actually moving and trying to stand on its feet even though it's already torn in half! So sick!
Sexual dreams are another story. I've never really had any 'unusual' sexual dreams. They're plain loaded with kisses, sexual intercourse and all that....until today. Now, I've really been hesitant whether to publish this nightmare I had today or not....but I thought, well, maybe someone outhere can have an explanation! May be when I relate the details I can form a picture of the dream and be able to understand it. But I'm so afraid the dream may be the hidden truth which I do not know or know and don't want to believe.
I dreamt I had two people in custody: a boy and a woman. The funny thing is, the woman was a famous actress but I can't remember whether she was Charlize Theron or Gwyneth Paltrow! I kidnapped both and was attacking them-sexually of course! It was really nuts. I visibly remember laying the woman naked on a table, kissing her passionately and licking her nipples. That RAPE didn't seem to end! And it was so real. The woman wasn't exactly screaming, I think she was torn between her excitement and her distress. I had the boy tied down in the same way, and he didn't scream or try to fight back either. What I can remember really well is how I was thinking when I was attacking them, here's my 'stream of consciousness', if you may," This had to be the end. I once read some statistics stating that people who were molested as children are more likely to be abusers ( that is, sexually abuse others). This is my natural end, and the expected cycle. I was sexually abused as a child, here I am venting out my anger and frustration on other innocent ones..." PSYCHOTIC!!!!!!
More shocking details, I was just about to perform fellatio on the young boy when the police cracked down on me...and I woke up, much to my terror- and relief that this ordeal is over!
Could it be that deep inside in the 'dark recesses of my mind' I'm a rapist and a sadist as well! I'm not a violent or quick-tempered person,maybe this is the very simple reason why I have violent dreams? I do know that there are many feelings within me that need to explode...and I know they usually explode in dreams...but RAPING? CHILDREN? There's gotta be "someone in my head, but it's not me!" Seriously, how come your dreams can be so far from your real life...and a very, very exaggerated form of your wildest and deepest desires. And a strange mix between reality - I was abused as a child, and the statistics are real - and fantasy- women! and children!
Somebody please tell me you had such alarming dreams before!

Ode to my Cigarette

It is at times like these when I need you the most…
When random thoughts come streaming through my mind…
When I feel I'm breathing through a pinhole…
honey it's not your smoke
it's not your poison
it's not your cancer
it's mine
so let me breathe through you and vent out all of my frustration
let me burn with you bit by bit
for I can burn for you if you may…
slip through my fingers and be my date for the night…
let me wear your blue smoke…
be drenched in your aroma
and do let me burn for you if you may…
hear my silent screams and take them all away
puff by puff
Touch my lips...and speak right through me
take another look at me with those fiery eyes
Quick! Before they come
Quick! Before I'm all burned out…
help me, comfort me
Come, dear cigarette, come.
For I am to man like you are to angels
Hear them not say "You piece of hell
For, dear cigarette, we are both wild and free
leave them to their mates and friends…...
and come with me, come for me…
and let me be your date for the night
Dear cigarette...a world without you is as lonely as hellwith no one staying here by my side
to unleash the tiger inside
Dear cigarette..it is my last breath now
and I can feel you burning inside my mouth
drying up before I can ask...
Have I burned well all through?

Obsession

I'm standing in a crowd...
people giggling...some frowning...others shattering...
the misfits!
Then I smell a familiar perfume...
and my imagination sways far away from this life...
could it be you again...?
can I resist the temptation this time...?
Cuddling me...inviting me...seducing me...raping me...
can I resist your temptation this time?
And you lead me to your world though I know I'll be locked in forever...
there's no turning back now!
Soon enough...your black...black eyes....appear at a distance...
NO!
Please don't pull me back to this torture again...
but then I grap you by my very own will...
my fingers scratching your hard skin...
I grab you by the neck and pull you to my lips...
and you welcome me with your bitter taste...and your hot,black saliva...
as you touch my lips...you're too hot but it only makes me more helpless...
you cross your tongue across my lips ...scratching me..hurting me...bleeding me...
but it's ok....
you reach my tongue and a shrill goes down my body
You reach my throat and I start to choke...
and I'm still grabbing you closer....!
Are you my sin or my salvation?
Are you a saviour or a poison?
I thought you wanted platonic love!
But how can I resist your temptation...
You lean down on me and I hold you till we can't be any closer...
I take more of you....you take all of me...
I've dried up your mouth...but still I'm thirsty for more...
and as the last drop is twisted between our tongues...
I step back to look at you...
You can stand there and wonder at my desire....
what do you even know of my desire?
your black eyes fading....your perfume still intoxicating me....
you turn away to be filled again...
with hot...bitter...black...black coffee.