Tuesday, May 01, 2007

In Dreams

Warning: Explicit content, will be shocking to some of you, so don't blame me for any nightmares :P
We've been taught at university that dreams are either a desire achieved or a sort of reflection of your subconscious - or was it unconscious? - with all that you're scared of, all that you're anticipating, and so on. Anyway, I still had loads of dreams which are real hard to classify under any such category. Sometimes my dreams get so shockingly violent, morbid and explicit that I can't help thinking that they surely they were baked by Mephestopheles in his hell-fire underworld,and not my deepest desires achieved! You keep trying to push undesirable memories to the back of your mind, but they just have to find a release, an explanation, some time to be thought of, to be remembered. They just don't go away. Never! Pushy and irritating as they are, they don't simply appear there infront of your eyes, where you can even smell and touch them, but they also come in the meanest form possible! As gory and DEMONIC as they possible can!
I usually have nightmares...yeah usually! Most nightmares are about dead people. Especially if I had just seen one of the many, many bodies and human debris in the news or in newspapers and magazines, or even silly horror movies. Once I'd be buried alive with the dead, with their bloody, fleshless hands sticking out of the death bags (the very same picture had been published in our local newspapers of the victims of the 2005 Indian ocean Tsunami). Another time there'd be a corpse actually moving and trying to stand on its feet even though it's already torn in half! So sick!
Sexual dreams are another story. I've never really had any 'unusual' sexual dreams. They're plain loaded with kisses, sexual intercourse and all that....until today. Now, I've really been hesitant whether to publish this nightmare I had today or not....but I thought, well, maybe someone outhere can have an explanation! May be when I relate the details I can form a picture of the dream and be able to understand it. But I'm so afraid the dream may be the hidden truth which I do not know or know and don't want to believe.
I dreamt I had two people in custody: a boy and a woman. The funny thing is, the woman was a famous actress but I can't remember whether she was Charlize Theron or Gwyneth Paltrow! I kidnapped both and was attacking them-sexually of course! It was really nuts. I visibly remember laying the woman naked on a table, kissing her passionately and licking her nipples. That RAPE didn't seem to end! And it was so real. The woman wasn't exactly screaming, I think she was torn between her excitement and her distress. I had the boy tied down in the same way, and he didn't scream or try to fight back either. What I can remember really well is how I was thinking when I was attacking them, here's my 'stream of consciousness', if you may," This had to be the end. I once read some statistics stating that people who were molested as children are more likely to be abusers ( that is, sexually abuse others). This is my natural end, and the expected cycle. I was sexually abused as a child, here I am venting out my anger and frustration on other innocent ones..." PSYCHOTIC!!!!!!
More shocking details, I was just about to perform fellatio on the young boy when the police cracked down on me...and I woke up, much to my terror- and relief that this ordeal is over!
Could it be that deep inside in the 'dark recesses of my mind' I'm a rapist and a sadist as well! I'm not a violent or quick-tempered person,maybe this is the very simple reason why I have violent dreams? I do know that there are many feelings within me that need to explode...and I know they usually explode in dreams...but RAPING? CHILDREN? There's gotta be "someone in my head, but it's not me!" Seriously, how come your dreams can be so far from your real life...and a very, very exaggerated form of your wildest and deepest desires. And a strange mix between reality - I was abused as a child, and the statistics are real - and fantasy- women! and children!
Somebody please tell me you had such alarming dreams before!


قطر الندى said...

first of all i am really happy that u r relationship with ur blog is going really well,and that u almost tell her ur deepest worries :), well, i believe, all the human beings are bisexual,and their need and desires differ from how opressed they are.Again,most of the women fatasize about other women,this is very very normal(han3mel eh ya3ni, we r such beautiful creatures, and believe me i have dreamt about women before,
Surprisingly,i have very similar dreams to your,very violent,bloddy,vivid,and i also suffer from Lucid dreams(to wake up in another dream,and so on) and i'd like to tell u what the doctor told me in this matter,he told me it's a sign of how creative my mind is,and how active i am even when i am sleeping,ur dreams is ur mere creation,dear,u create what u fear,and what u want,and what u hate, i believe that u were a bit worried about ur sexual identity and that's why it came out in this shape,also, all this violence is very normal,ya benty as u said,that's everywhere around us,even if not in this blunt picture,it's all the time there!
chill out,love,,write ur dreams on papers,and try to make cinema scenes out of them,It helped me! and also,when u reach the stage when u will be able to control ur dreams,come and tell me please"i onced traveled with brad pit to basata and had a shower together,hahahah,see,it isn't so bad after all!
love u

Nisreen (nana anglo) said...

First i want to say that im a constant visitor to your blog, but this's my first time to comment.

Hunni you're not a psycho or anything, what you talked about is TOTALLY normal i guess, it happens to all of us (girls) every now and then but we just never speak of it. These dreams are just there and it's a reflection of our deepest thoughts, the ones we dont even share with our best friends, because it makes you, yourself, feel weird, and you're thinking like..c'mon it's not really me! im not such person!

I have sexual and violent dreams though im straight(as far as i know lol) and not aggressive. you know..i once had a dream of me bathing another girl, the strange thing is: i too dont remember how she looked like, all i remember is the joy i felt, like she's my baby and i want to take good care of her. I have this passion towards other women, i do enjoy watching their features. I even enjoyed reading erotic stories written by women before. All this made me wonder: does this mean im a lesbian or bi ? Specially that i dont have anything against homosexuals. i blame myself for this actually, cause our religion forbids it..bs ana..its like so what if i like women?!! what's wrong with homosexuals? they chose to have it this way..so what?!!

One thing i dont agree about: the statistics you read..cause i too was abused as a child (and as adult too!!) but this didnt make me a rapist or abuser in return, and i dont think i will ever be. I guess we're getting these dreams cause we're complex, maybe we're different in a way.

So babe just ChiiiiiLL , you're a gorgeous sweet girl, move on, dont mind these visions,..but if you ever found a reason or a logical explanation...make sure to let me know ;)

Anonymous said...

Hi sweetie - I find it interesting that you are just now wondering if you are a lesbian. I have been reading your blog for many months and have believed you are a lesbian from the very first time I read it. Or in the least bi-sexual. Perhaps your negative experiences from the past have had a strong effect on your sexuality.

One interesting concept on dreams...I don't know who said it, maybe Freud - but it is believed that all the people in our dreams are actually ourselves. This would make sense in your particular dream.

First of all you are conflicted about your sexuality and the deepest parts of yourself, therefore you are 'abusing' the characters in your dream, just as you mentally abuse yourself as is illustrated in your blog.

Second - you are both a woman and a young man. The young man is unsure of his sexuality because he is so young, but he is certainly curious about women, just as you clearly are. In many ways your heart is still a child's heart and your sexuality is very innocent and naive. In addition, just because you were raping these people does not mean they did not enjoy it. Sadism is a very real human condition and has existed from the beginning of time.

I should think you are at absolutely no risk of abusing anyone other than yourself. Next time you have any dreams try to see all the characters in the dream as yourself and I think you will find out some interesting things about yourself.

My husband is Egyptian and we have a very hard time coming to agreements about homosexuality. I am hoping it is becoming a little more accepted in Egypt as the years pass - but in general it is considered sinful. My comment to my husband is always this...

...why would someone CHOOSE a life so difficult? Why would some one CHOOSE to alienate their parents and possibly their freinds and their job? (even here in the States it is not fully accepted).

But most of all I ask him "can you CHOOSE to be gay and imagine having sex with a man?" He of course says no, and I say "then why do you think a gay person can imagine being anything other than gay?" Sexuality is NOT a choice - perhaps you don't see it that way because you clearly can imagine being with both men and women - but for me I cannot imagine being with a woman, even though I don't necessarily think it's wrong. I am simply NOT attracted to women. So there is no choice in the matter really! We are what we are and God made us all.

I have a very good friend that is a lesbian - and a year ago she started dating a man and now desperately wants to marry him. I think in some ways being bisexual give you many more opportunities to find love.

I hope you find your way with peace in your heart.

Stop beating yourself up over everything! ;) You were born in the 'wrong' place, and it will take awhile to make it the 'right' place - but God put you where you are at for a reason and he knows what he is doing.


Wild at Heart said...

Hugs and kisses to you all,
where do I start.....?

Yeah, I'm letting go with my blog at last...that's why blogs are made I guess!
I think human sexuality is much more complicated than we think. I don't feel like it's 'right' to sign off all people as bisexual...I can imagine, however, that most women fantasize about other women, maybe because I experience that occasionally. Violent dreams just make me go smashing my head against the wall, that's why I try to avoid looking at any violent scenes, but what if violence is inside me...within me?
So dreams are signs of a creative mind? Sounds cool! I don't create much nowadays...so it's a relief that my mind gets some outlet here or there. Did you mean there is a stage where I can control my dreams? It actually sometimes happens, when i think of someone or a situation and want a certain course of events and they do happen...
Your comments always make me feel special and loved...keep 'em coming dear!

Nana anglo,
Ya alf nhar abyad...welcome home :)
I'm sorry for what happened to you dear, the only thing that will make you feel better is that you're not alone, nana, we're in this together.
Look Nano, I think if you dream about bathing a girl it means you have got so much compassion inside and need for physical contact as well that it's embodied in your dreams. A girl who sometimes gets attracted to women is I think bi or at least bi curious, that's what the definition of bisexuality is anyway. But again, it might take you months or years to find out. I don't think you should feel guilty about your support for gays because, you know, I believe no one has got conrtrol over his feelings. Your sexuality is not a choice. Why would God HATE a homosexual person...let alone punish him/her?
The statistics may be true if you consider rapists and abusers; that is most rapists and abusers WERE actually raped/molested as children. Sick world.

Long time no see!! How's everything? I know I've been blogging in arabic for a long time. I'll try to switch more often...
Do you really think being abused as a child can affect that person's sexuality? In my case...not really, because I still fall for men anyway.
All the people in our dreams are ourselves? Sounds very radical,but it can't always be true because sometimes I drema of beating up people I hate, killing a political figure,and so on :)
Do I mentally abuse myself :( ? This is very disturbing...I swear I tried to be less hard on myself, but the belief I'm abusing myself???
As I said, it's not a choice, you're absolutely correct...the range of acceptance of gays here in Egypt is very very limited. Sad but true.
It will need some time to understand my psyche and the different facets of my sexuality...who I am and what I need...thank you all for helping me out.