In Dreams

Warning: Explicit content, will be shocking to some of you, so don't blame me for any nightmares :P
We've been taught at university that dreams are either a desire achieved or a sort of reflection of your subconscious - or was it unconscious? - with all that you're scared of, all that you're anticipating, and so on. Anyway, I still had loads of dreams which are real hard to classify under any such category. Sometimes my dreams get so shockingly violent, morbid and explicit that I can't help thinking that they surely they were baked by Mephestopheles in his hell-fire underworld,and not my deepest desires achieved! You keep trying to push undesirable memories to the back of your mind, but they just have to find a release, an explanation, some time to be thought of, to be remembered. They just don't go away. Never! Pushy and irritating as they are, they don't simply appear there infront of your eyes, where you can even smell and touch them, but they also come in the meanest form possible! As gory and DEMONIC as they possible can!
I usually have nightmares...yeah usually! Most nightmares are about dead people. Especially if I had just seen one of the many, many bodies and human debris in the news or in newspapers and magazines, or even silly horror movies. Once I'd be buried alive with the dead, with their bloody, fleshless hands sticking out of the death bags (the very same picture had been published in our local newspapers of the victims of the 2005 Indian ocean Tsunami). Another time there'd be a corpse actually moving and trying to stand on its feet even though it's already torn in half! So sick!
Sexual dreams are another story. I've never really had any 'unusual' sexual dreams. They're plain loaded with kisses, sexual intercourse and all that....until today. Now, I've really been hesitant whether to publish this nightmare I had today or not....but I thought, well, maybe someone outhere can have an explanation! May be when I relate the details I can form a picture of the dream and be able to understand it. But I'm so afraid the dream may be the hidden truth which I do not know or know and don't want to believe.
I dreamt I had two people in custody: a boy and a woman. The funny thing is, the woman was a famous actress but I can't remember whether she was Charlize Theron or Gwyneth Paltrow! I kidnapped both and was attacking them-sexually of course! It was really nuts. I visibly remember laying the woman naked on a table, kissing her passionately and licking her nipples. That RAPE didn't seem to end! And it was so real. The woman wasn't exactly screaming, I think she was torn between her excitement and her distress. I had the boy tied down in the same way, and he didn't scream or try to fight back either. What I can remember really well is how I was thinking when I was attacking them, here's my 'stream of consciousness', if you may," This had to be the end. I once read some statistics stating that people who were molested as children are more likely to be abusers ( that is, sexually abuse others). This is my natural end, and the expected cycle. I was sexually abused as a child, here I am venting out my anger and frustration on other innocent ones..." PSYCHOTIC!!!!!!
More shocking details, I was just about to perform fellatio on the young boy when the police cracked down on me...and I woke up, much to my terror- and relief that this ordeal is over!
Could it be that deep inside in the 'dark recesses of my mind' I'm a rapist and a sadist as well! I'm not a violent or quick-tempered person,maybe this is the very simple reason why I have violent dreams? I do know that there are many feelings within me that need to explode...and I know they usually explode in dreams...but RAPING? CHILDREN? There's gotta be "someone in my head, but it's not me!" Seriously, how come your dreams can be so far from your real life...and a very, very exaggerated form of your wildest and deepest desires. And a strange mix between reality - I was abused as a child, and the statistics are real - and fantasy- women! and children!
Somebody please tell me you had such alarming dreams before!

بعد سنة تدوين

!النهاردة المدونة دى تمت سنة

حاسة انى بقالى عمر طويييل باكتب. فى الأول كان كل همى انى اكتب قصص قصيرة بقى ماحصلتش أو شعر ينزل الدموع أنهار. شوية و قلت...طب ما اتكلم مع الناس بطريقة مباشرة زى ماباكلم أصحابى يعنى...ليه العقد؟

حاولت انى ابقى مع باقى المدونات على الخط الى حد ما...اقول ر أيى فى شوية مصايب من اللى حصلت, عشان مايبقاش الموضوع كله مواقف أو أفكار شخصية لواحدة -فى النهاية- قليلين اللى عارفينها

مش راضية عن كل اللى كتبته, لكن مش حاشيله لانه برضو حتة منى, جزء من شخصيتى سواء اقتنعت بيه أو لأ, لو جزء من شخصيتى مش راضية عنه ازاى حاقدر اغيره من غير ما يبقى متجسد قدامى فى التدوينات؟

غير عدم الرضا, طب و الندم؟بصراحة, ندمانة انى عرفت نفسى لأصحابى...يعنى أصحابى عارفين ان انا نهى و عارفين مين هى نهى, كانت النتيجة انى مش قايلة تفاصيل كتير و جزء كبير من حقيقتى حاجباها عنكوا عشان خايفة من الانتقاد...خايفة اصحابى يستغربونى أو يحسوا انى مش باحكى كل حاجة, لكن يا لأصحابى اعذرونى, انتوا مهما كنتوا جزء من المجتمع اللى مش حايسمح انى افضفض بحرية و حاتقولوا لى ازاى...و ليه و عيب و حرام. ساعات

الواحد كل اللى بيبقى عايزه انه يتسمع. يتسمع بس

بطبيعة الحال أنا ماكنتش باكتب بس, انا منت متابعة مدونات كتييير, المدونات أبسط حاجة ممكن أقولها انها فتحت عينى على اللى بيجرا,ماكنتش قطة مغمضة, بس عرفت الطبقة المثقفة و "شبه المثقفة" فى مصر بتفكر ازاى عن حق, لأنهم بيعبروا عن رأيهم من غير خوف, ماحدش عارف مين اللى قاعد ورا الشاشة بيكتب, و انطباعى؟ لسه فى أمل! لسه فى ناس عاشقة لمصروعايزة تصلح...مش قاعدين يقولوا مفيش فايدة و خلصت الحكاية

اتعلمت انى ابقى فكرى متفتح أو متقبلة للآخر, ان مصر فيها ملحدين و مثليين و يمينيين , و ان احنا لو مش متقبلينهم, على الأقل ماندخلش نشتم فى مدوناتهم من غير حوار, ده غير انى اصلا بدأت أفهم المثليين و أتقبلهم و نفسى نبطل نعلق لبعض المشانق

خطط مستقبلية؟

أكتب أكتر شوية... كتير بابقى عايزة أكتب عن موضوع معين بس بافكر ازاى يطلع من غير و لا غلطة ( أصل أنا مثالية شوية)و فى النهاية مابيطلعش خالص!

!أعمل مدونة جديدة ماحدش يعرفنى فيها و ابعبر بجد

Have I introduced myself well?

1) I really am totally harmless, except when it comes to me.
2) I think Pink Floyd is not just a band…Pink Floyd is a tune. Pink Floyd is a drug. Pink Floyd is a passion. Pink Floyd is a life.
3) I am a feminist .Sad but true.
4) I love wildly, savagely…and roughly.
5) I love people so much. You can say this is my weak point.
6) Black coffee is…. Umm…read “Obsession”!!
7) I don’t think I’m ordinary…although there’s still nothing peculiarly special about my life.
8) One of my dreams is becoming a script writer.
9) Try asking me a question…and I will never give you a precise answer.
10) I think I’ll die an awful death. A violent murder or something.
11) I hate technology. Sometimes to the point that I feel I can’t live without it.
12)I have no problem with gays, lesbians and bisexuals ….
13) I cannot bear weakness.
14) I am a rebellious bomb just about to blow up.
15) I am still haunted by a picture showing a woman’s body torn in half…during the Bosnian Genocide.
16) It is not that I daydream a lot; I rarely even visit real life.
17) Among all love songs…The Moody Blues’ “Nights in White Satin” just sweeps me off the ground.
18) I have suicidal tendencies. One thing you should know for sure; if I ever get raped, that will be the end of it all.
19) I have a passion for deep voices…the David Gilmour type.
20) I am the resurrection of Sarah Kane.
21) I love the mystery, the selfishness, the mere look of cats!
22) The longest time I can concentrate on one thing is 20 seconds.
23) I am sphexophobic.
24) I subconsciously hold my breath when I see Angelina Jolie.
25) I think keeping some of your secrets just to yourself is fishy but amusing.